Well, I went to see the X-Files movie this past weekend. For those of us who were serious X-Files fans - the kind of people who studied the episodes, not just watched them - this was a big disappointment. But at least it was better than Indian Jones IV (then again the Home Shopping Network is more stimulating than that).

So what was wrong? A lot. Let’s start with plot holes. In the first ten minutes we see Scully pestering Mulder to help the FBI on a case. Then for the next two hours she complains about Mulder’s commitment to the case. And about helping the FBI. Supposedly the FBI can find Scully but they can’t locate Mulder (which is why Scully is solicited). Huh? Couldn’t they just follow her home and find Mulder there? If these agents can’t find Mulder when Scully is readily located, they’d need help finding north on a map. Of course Chris Carter adds a lame attempt to explain this awful oversight by having Scully tell Mulder that if the FBI really wanted to find him they could - but they’re probably just thankful to have Mulder out of their hair. And then there’s the rationale for Mulder’s help. “If you help the FBI, they say all is forgiven,” explains Scully. Anyone remember the last episode of the series? The length to which the FBI went not to lock Mulder away but to give him a death sentence in a war crimes tribunal? So now we’re to believe that they aren’t interested in finding him? And what about Scully? She’s an accessory to Mulder’s escape and there aren’t even any charges hanging over her head? What happened to any realism?

The story itself is amazingly unimaginative. We get a generic psychic-certainly not the caliber of psychics on previous episodes of the series. Okay, he gets impressions of dead or near dead people and can tell where body parts are buried. He thinks he gets messages from God. Big deal - all very banal, save for the character being a convicted pedophile priest. This isn’t at all comparable to the clever material in Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose or The End. The psychic element of the latter would have provided a link to the alien conspiracy material that made the show what it was. And that’s the problem. The movie lacked every element that made the series unforgettable: conspiracy, uncertainty as to friends and enemies, sinister forces in the FBI working against them, the prospect of intelligent alien life, and, most tellingly, memorable villains (shows you how important the Cancer Man and ratboy Krychek were to the show).

I was also dissatisfied with the relationship between Mulder and Scully. A powerful part of the entire X-Files storyline was the uncompromising loyalty that grew and solidified between Mulder and Scully. The writers also knew that as that grew, they would eventually fall in love, but were every so careful to make Mulder inept at any sort of show of affection, at least for into the first five seasons. Understatement of their love for each other then took over, and the writers were terrific at keeping them apart and yet completely together. I can recall reading how fans wanted one of them to tell the other they loved him/her, but in reality it was plain as day without ever being expressed, especially as Mulder sticks by Scully through her cancer in season five. We never hear anything about how they feel until Triangle, but then the writers were skillfully able to not over-dramatize it. I don’t want to give anything away, but in the movie there is at least one exchange that runs counter to their series relationship. After hundreds of brushes with death and never the hint of turning away from each other no matter what, the writers of the script give the impression they’ve forgotten this critical element. True, they sort of redeem themselves at the end, but the blunder is unmistakable.

As with Indy IV, my mind is filled with what could have been done with this movie. There’s no way Mulder and Scully could have just settled down and not been found in six years, and they would still be fugitives. A lot could have been made of the struggle to get by this would have created, and their loyalty and love to and for each other could have been cast in a new light. The writers could have picked up with loose ends in the final episode: What happened to Gibson Praise? What about A.D. Kirsch, Skinner, and agent Doggett? What about the members of the secret cabal whose members once included the Cancer Man, the Well-Dressed Man, and Mulder’s father? At the end of the first X-Files movie we know some of them survived and were moving on with their agenda. The writers could have married the conspiracy to more recent geo-political events. But instead we get a pedophile priest who “sees things” and a modern Dr. Frankenstein. Like those ideas haven’t been tried before on the screen. Looks like Hollywood’s creativity void just opened up under Chris Carter and his writing team.

Alas, I know one reason why the movie didn’t deal with the “mythology” of the series is that, after about season seven, the writers were lost. The super-soldiers ideas was a waste of time and poorly conceived. The alien factions and even the alien virus idea lacked coherence. Frankly, having written the Façade and having outlined the sequel, I could do better. It’s actually sad, since the X-Files were the TV event of my lifetime. I feel like I’ve lost a mentor. I really do want to believe that they’ll take another whack at it - serious fans of the show deserve such an apology.

Technorati Tags: movie review, X-Files movie

Tags: movie review,X-Files movie
Categories: movie review
3 Comments »

I can remember my first Indiana Jones experience. I’d always been interested in anything old and strange, so there was a natural hook. I was graduating from high school and had only recently been exposed to this book we call the Bible when Raiders of the Lost Ark was released. From the incredible opening scene where that immense boulder came thundering down on Indy after an incredible sequence of death-defying stunts, to the vaporization of Nazis in the hands of angry God, I was awestruck.

The only thing that struck me about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was the thought that Stephen Spielberg and George Lucas had again done the impossible: transforming one of the coolest movie franchises in the world into a colossal bore. I never thought I’d say that, but it’s true. This latest film is awash with unsurprising sight gags, lifeless dialogue, disconnected scenes, meaningless characters, desperate attempts at humor, contrived relationships, and an unforgivably unimaginative storyline. It was truly a spectacularly supine experience.

In the same way I struggled for superlatives as a high school senior who’d just seen the movie event of his lifetime, it’s difficult to express how bad this movie really is. I thought about conveying my contempt through alternative titles: Indiana Jones and the Tarnished Legacy, Indiana Jones Owes Me a Refund, Indiana Jones and the Search for a Plotline, Indiana Jones and the Uninspired Director, Indiana Jones Gets a Lobotomy or, my current favorite, Barnaby Jones Meets ET (that’s for the over-forty crowd especially insulted by this cheesefest). I kept hoping I’d see the Mystery Science Theatre robots in the lower right-hand corner so I’d be assured this was all in good fun, but alas, it wasn’t to be. I think maybe my teenage daughter said it best: “Dad, I grew up watching the Indiana Jones movies and now it’s all ruined.” Yep.

So who’s to blame for this steaming pile of cinematic crap? It’s easy to blame Steven Spielberg, whose name was splashed across the screen in the TV ads. Sure, Harrison Ford looks old in this movie, but it’s Spielberg who’s showing his age. Frankly-and be honest-what’s the last really entertaining film you saw that Spielberg was connected with? Yeah. It’s been a long time. Your streak is still intact, Steven.

Actually, I blame George Lucas for making my daughter cry. (Okay, she didn’t cry; she just dozed off a few times). After all, George is the one who anesthetized us with the mind-numbing story. Surely the movie gods of clever script writing must have killed a kitten with each keystroke. But then again, this is the guy who gave us the memorable dialogue of Anakin Skywalker to Natalie Portman (”you’re soft, not like sand”), not to mention Jar-Jar Binks. George, to quote Darth Vader from way back when you could write a good script, “You have failed me for the last time.”

Well, if you’ve enjoyed this review so far I have to warn you that the fun is over. Sorry, but I have to talk about what’s actually in the movie. It’ll only going to be one paragraph so I don’t expect to lose many of you. You may want to have the defribillator handy, just in case.

Basically, the thing - that - would - normally - be - called - a - plot has Indy being forced by Soviet Commies to direct them to an alien corpse hidden away by the government in a warehouse located at what would become AREA-51 in the Nevada desert. Turns out Indy was involved with the Roswell recovery n 1947, ten years earlier. He escapes, is solicited out of the blue by Shia LeBeouf to find an old friend who had discovered a crystal skull, fully detailed with alien almond eye sockets and elongated cranium. The Soviets are after it soon enough, too, since their scholar - babe - in - charge (Kate Blanchett) believes it holds the key to paranormal knowledge and power. (If you’re anticipating the clever connections crafted by Lucas to tie all these elements together, recall the dead kittens I told you about earlier). All of this is just a vehicle, though, for Lucas and Spielberg to promote the idea that space aliens were the gods of antiquity. Wow. Never heard that before. Just one more agonizingly inane lesson for the masses about how humanity owes everything to extraterrestrials. Zecharia Sitchin ought to get a credit at the end. Those of you who are familiar with me of course know what I think of the ancient astronaut nonsense. If not, you do now. In honor of the moment I’m going to begin rewriting (and expanding) my Sitchin critiques on my PaleoBabble blog earlier than expected (as in tomorrow). My own happy ending!

I could end here but a spasm of wishful thinking for another cool Indy movie compels me to say something constructive. I know Indy is done, especially since Lucas and Spielberg aren’t going to give up control of this cash cow to anyone who can actually write a great story that would do the Indy tradition justice. But how cool would an Indy movie focused on some real ancient mysteries be? Wouldn’t it be great to see Indy find the lost tomb of Alexander the Great? How about something having to do with what happened to the Anasazi, or Easter Island? How about the Takla Makan mummies or a search for Noah’s ark on Mount Ararat? Heck, even unearthing a giant human skeleton would be light years more interesting than what we just got. Hard to believe that in all the years since Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade the best that Lucas and Spielberg could do was this twaddle.

All in all, I can honestly say Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has no redeeming qualities. It was a disappointing, insulting bore.

Technorati Tags: Indiana Jones, movie review

Tags: Indiana Jones,movie review
Categories: movie review
6 Comments »